Thursday, May 14, 2009

just another tear drops


I've been told by my lecturer that there will be a Nokia mobile app competition and she would like to know if I am interested to join. At first, I am quite excited about it, since its Nokia and a few coursemates of mine are selected by the lecturers as well. I thought it is going to be interesting to work with them, then she said, "I would prefer you guys (I am the only girl there) to work in pairs and one programmer from the IT faculty will be assign to each group." 

me: -.- (joy fades a little)

Then the lecturer continues, "This competition will be due in July. So all of you will need to stay back here during the semester break. If you wan to go back hometown, you still can - on weekends or depending on the project.. but you have to be here to work on the project since this is a group thing"

me: -.-  (joy totally fades away..................)

I am NOT a Nokia fan and I hate Nokia phones but working on a project for Nokia sounds tempting, and it will be real good opportunity and good for portfolio. But then when I think about my mom, I am really reluctant to join. I've been thinking over it for 2 nights over this matter, and wondering should I talk to her about it,and how do I talk to her about it or should i just forget about this.

Then she called me just as I am blogging this. So in the end, I decided to talk to her about it since I have to let the lecturer know about my decision by tomorrow. And I regret for telling her about it. 

So I told her about the competition and that I might not be able to go back in June til late July or I might not be able to go back at all and I am still not sure about all this - if i am joining anot. Then she sounded real sad and disappointed. And she said something that makes me feel really bad and my heart aches so much, "A lot of relative came all the way from Ipoh for a day to visit me. But I don't know about my daughter. Does she loves me? She don't miss me wan meh?"

GOd! that's the last thing i want to hear from her and it is making me emo more considering the amount of work I am stressing over right now. I am as heartbroken as she is hearing her say that to me. If i don't care about her, I wouldn't even talk to her about it in the first place and wanting to hear her thoughts about it. If i don't love her, I wouldn't be feeling so bad about not going back to Penang during my semester break and would have decide to join the competition without second thoughts.... If you know me well, you will know that when I set my heart to something, nothing can stop me but this time around, I did consider about her and her thoughts. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not angry of my mom. I am just angry of myself for telling her and even considering not to go back for holidays that makes her sad. I am an unfilial daughter.  

So i guess, it's been decided then.... I AM NOT JOINING.............