Thursday, October 25, 2012

The End Is Just the Beginning of Something New

Mr Big and I finally said our last goodbye. It is now OFFICIALLY over! Surprisingly, I am actually quite relief that this chapter has finally come to a GIANT FULL STOP.

You might be asking, didn't the "drama" ended few months ago? Yes. Sort of. It is more like "I ended it" - I closed the chapter on my side and moved on without even sorting things out properly with him (you know...the "break-up talk thingy"). But what's there more to say after what happen right? wasn't it clear when the other one got a new partner, the one left behind just have to "move out" and move on?

Anyway, I know Mr Big will be in town, but I did not expect any form of communication with him. After all, i've blocked him from my FB months ago, he should "get" the message - "I want him out of my life". But i guess Mr Big being Mr Big probably didn't realize I went missing from his facebook...or maybe he did but decide he wanted to try his luck and see what happens....

Having already moved on, knowing that he's not the right one for me, and didn't want any sort of complicated-guessing-game relationship to go on anymore longer and knowing that I deserve more than all the bulls, I ignored his messages at first, but after much thought, I decided to reply Mr Big's text once and for all, to cut all strings that're still invisibly attached. At first I thought we could still be friends even if the relationship don't work out but I think in order to heal and get out of this on-off-on-off-complicated relationship and to "protect" myself I needed the distance and a complete cut off.  The childish me told him to delete me off his contact list and not contact me again - and even if he don't want to do so, he just got to leave me alone for he owe me that much for the pain he had put me through last time around. Mr Big apologize for hurting me, for not being there for me, for not being able to be the guy that is able to give me what i want.

"What do i want?" I asked.

He said, "Family. Eventually you would want that."


Seriously, the thought of having a family together with Mr Big never actually cross my mind. But in a way, he is right. I do want a family out of a relationship in the future - but isn't that the whole point of relationship/marriage? To find the other half God prepared for you to spend the rest of your life with together? But of course we don't expect every relationship to turn to marriage. That's why people go on date(s) to get to know one another first before committing to a life-long relationship.

"It is easy to have a relationship. But it's hard to maintain an ever lasting relationship with me. For me to commit and settle down, I'll probably need someone that will compromise with my uncertainty of my future" he said.

I am uncertain about my own future, I do not know what i want then, so I don't expect him to either...but well, he pushed me away before letting me in to prove myself. But it's ok....enough is enough. It's over. Time's up. I am tired. There's no point in running a race of uncertainty...alone.

and he added that he's thousand miles away, and even if we are in a committed relationship, he will eventually cheat and lie and he didn't want to lie to me and rather tell me the truth. Fair enough. I appreciate the heads up and the honesty but no woman can accept a cheating man and i am of no difference. If a man can cheat on you, he don't really love you that much. So what's there more to say right? Ending the relationship and cutting off all ties seems like the best option on the table.

I hold no grudge against Mr Big. In a way, I am grateful for the journey that Mr Big had brought me through had indirectly turns to life lessons. Once bitten twice wise they say. A blessing in disguise perhaps? So I bid him goodbye and wish him a safe journey back and he did too.

Goodbye Mr Big.
19th October 2012.

PS: I know I've been missing for many months and there's so many updates that I've not share with you here. Hopefully I will find time. My next post is gonna be one positive post about my recent journey of self-discovery! Stay tune!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Live Life

Hello cyberfriends and cyberstalkers, how have you been?

I've been busy and hence this overdue post. Half of the year just came and went..looking back and reflecting on the 6 months, time indeed flies when one's busy.

How have I been?

On my take on my professional life as a career minded woman, I've never found so much passion in designing till this year. I am growing more everyday and learning new things makes me happy. Designing is a never ending journey and I am glad I've grown to love it more every single time. Imagine, just walking through a mall, just driving down the highway back, things I see - be it the billboard or the road signs, the colour combinations of the cars stuck in the jam, the winding roads, the pedestrians crossing the roads as my car stopped at the junction or the colours of the sky, sunrise or sunset have somehow in a way inspired me.

And a side note, something BIG is cooking. stay tune?!

As of my own personal life, slowly, gradually I am feeling better but nonetheless, I wouldn't deny that at times, I did fall back a little. I realize I am turning cold. It was only recently when a friend asked me a question and I realize how i am completely shutting myself off. Didn't they say, prevention is better than cure?

Signing off for now....

Miss E

Monday, March 12, 2012

I Wonder...

"There are many things to laugh about forcibly
Like a wind-up doll, like it's my job, I laugh...."

"Because I smile every day
Because I show my smiles,
They think I am happy..."

"But how can I smile, how can I smile....
I smile and I smile but tears flow again"

F. Scott Fitzgerald's
Way of Love

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

29 February

The day when all the pain of yesterday will be put behind.

The day I am starting a new.

The day I say goodbye to a 2 years friendship and a so-called relationship.

Goodbye Mr Big.

If God have His plans for you and me, till then will our life cross path again. If not, I guess this is the end....of you and me. I am letting you go for good.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

How are you?

"How are you?"

A simple question that only needs a simple answer yet I find it the most difficult question to answer.

"I am fine" just seems right. But is "fine" really mean that i am feeling good, happy, healthy and the day has been good so far?

"I am good" probably is better. But is that the right answer? Am I really good to leave things behind? Am I good to let him go? Am I good to delete him off? Am I good in moving on already? Is my old self back for good?

Maybe "I am doing ok" sounds better. I do feel much, much better as compare to 25 days ago.

Thanks to friends who had verbally slapped me in the face to keep me sane. Thanks to friends who had been concern about me and who were more angered about the whole "situation" than I was myself. Thanks to friends who knew what had happen, asked the above questions but never push me for more.

I am almost there. Just a little bit more. A year ago, I constantly lie to myself and might not have a reason to let go and so I hung on, but now I do. It is time for me to move on and let go - a mission, a new year resolution which I am sure to make it happen. Hang on there and cheer me on. I will reach my goal.

"When someone shows no interest in being with you, is consistently inconsistent, and their actions don't match up with their words - it's time to let go" - Mandy Hale (@TheSingleWoman)

Monday, February 13, 2012

Two Face

Behind those smiles were her invisible tears.
Behind those laughters were her silent cries.

She put on a mask and say to self, everything is going to be ok.
He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her.........

or what does she lacks that is not worthy of him?

as her controversial heart continue to suffer in agony...

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Forever lost

The words, like a thousand daggers cutting through her heart and her throat - she was left alone gasping, longing to find one little air to breath - not knowing the spirit she called her soul has left her....

Mr Big's words, "I am seeing someone" still rings in her ears. She fought hard to find her words - and finally asked, "So you have a new girlfriend now?"

Hoping that all were just a conversation in one of her nightmare and when she wakes up all is just nothing but a dream - an illusion. But no - in real words, he replied, "Yes. I have a girlfriend now"

Those 6 words, caught her off guard. Mr Big who do not want a committed relationship is now in a relationship? Not with her but with someone else! With both their arms still wrapped around each other, it took her almost forever to register those 6 words. She pushed him away and ran to the bathroom for a hide. She wanted to cry. No tears came. She wanted to scream. No voice came out of her lungs. Feeling like she lost a limb and a heart - her soul, she went back into his arms. Hugging him, holding on and hoping he'll stay in her arms forever. She didn't ask him to stay nor ask him why, for she know she had lost the battle. Mr Big's heart is no longer hers. For another hour or so, still in his arms, Mr Big continue his story, telling her how great the motherland was and how much he enjoy the other girl's company and what he like about her and on and on not knowing how jealous and insecure she's feeling at the moment and each time, the cuts get deeper and deeper and deeper. Having just down a drowsy pill hours before the conversation begins, her head started to spin and she drifted further, Mr Big's heartbeat is like a lullaby, his voice seems distance and slowly her eyelids became heavier. As hurt as she was, she try her very best to keep herself awake to treasure the every moment with Mr Big. She couldn't fight nor wants to push him away. All she wanted was to pause the very moment/second - in the comfort of his arms around her, to stay a little longer is his embrace, to smell the smell of the the slight tobacco in his breath and the smell of his cologne - a scent that she's going to miss....

Exactly a year ago, like history is repeating itself - the scene replays. Mr Big left and she's left all alone. Lost. Heartbroken. Once again. Yes, AGAIN! Just this time, it is not just a cut, but a thousand more times deeper...and a shattered broken heart..... :'(

...if only he knew...