Thursday, October 25, 2012

The End Is Just the Beginning of Something New

Mr Big and I finally said our last goodbye. It is now OFFICIALLY over! Surprisingly, I am actually quite relief that this chapter has finally come to a GIANT FULL STOP.

You might be asking, didn't the "drama" ended few months ago? Yes. Sort of. It is more like "I ended it" - I closed the chapter on my side and moved on without even sorting things out properly with him (you know...the "break-up talk thingy"). But what's there more to say after what happen right? wasn't it clear when the other one got a new partner, the one left behind just have to "move out" and move on?

Anyway, I know Mr Big will be in town, but I did not expect any form of communication with him. After all, i've blocked him from my FB months ago, he should "get" the message - "I want him out of my life". But i guess Mr Big being Mr Big probably didn't realize I went missing from his facebook...or maybe he did but decide he wanted to try his luck and see what happens....

Having already moved on, knowing that he's not the right one for me, and didn't want any sort of complicated-guessing-game relationship to go on anymore longer and knowing that I deserve more than all the bulls, I ignored his messages at first, but after much thought, I decided to reply Mr Big's text once and for all, to cut all strings that're still invisibly attached. At first I thought we could still be friends even if the relationship don't work out but I think in order to heal and get out of this on-off-on-off-complicated relationship and to "protect" myself I needed the distance and a complete cut off.  The childish me told him to delete me off his contact list and not contact me again - and even if he don't want to do so, he just got to leave me alone for he owe me that much for the pain he had put me through last time around. Mr Big apologize for hurting me, for not being there for me, for not being able to be the guy that is able to give me what i want.

"What do i want?" I asked.

He said, "Family. Eventually you would want that."


Seriously, the thought of having a family together with Mr Big never actually cross my mind. But in a way, he is right. I do want a family out of a relationship in the future - but isn't that the whole point of relationship/marriage? To find the other half God prepared for you to spend the rest of your life with together? But of course we don't expect every relationship to turn to marriage. That's why people go on date(s) to get to know one another first before committing to a life-long relationship.

"It is easy to have a relationship. But it's hard to maintain an ever lasting relationship with me. For me to commit and settle down, I'll probably need someone that will compromise with my uncertainty of my future" he said.

I am uncertain about my own future, I do not know what i want then, so I don't expect him to either...but well, he pushed me away before letting me in to prove myself. But it's ok....enough is enough. It's over. Time's up. I am tired. There's no point in running a race of uncertainty...alone.

and he added that he's thousand miles away, and even if we are in a committed relationship, he will eventually cheat and lie and he didn't want to lie to me and rather tell me the truth. Fair enough. I appreciate the heads up and the honesty but no woman can accept a cheating man and i am of no difference. If a man can cheat on you, he don't really love you that much. So what's there more to say right? Ending the relationship and cutting off all ties seems like the best option on the table.

I hold no grudge against Mr Big. In a way, I am grateful for the journey that Mr Big had brought me through had indirectly turns to life lessons. Once bitten twice wise they say. A blessing in disguise perhaps? So I bid him goodbye and wish him a safe journey back and he did too.

Goodbye Mr Big.
19th October 2012.

PS: I know I've been missing for many months and there's so many updates that I've not share with you here. Hopefully I will find time. My next post is gonna be one positive post about my recent journey of self-discovery! Stay tune!