29 February

The day when all the pain of yesterday will be put behind.

The day I am starting a new.

The day I say goodbye to a 2 years friendship and a so-called relationship.

Goodbye Mr Big.

If God have His plans for you and me, till then will our life cross path again. If not, I guess this is the end....of you and me. I am letting you go for good.

How are you?

"How are you?"

A simple question that only needs a simple answer yet I find it the most difficult question to answer.

"I am fine" just seems right. But is "fine" really mean that i am feeling good, happy, healthy and the day has been good so far?

"I am good" probably is better. But is that the right answer? Am I really good to leave things behind? Am I good to let him go? Am I good to delete him off? Am I good in moving on already? Is my old self back for good?

Maybe "I am doing ok" sounds better. I do feel much, much better as compare to 25 days ago.

Thanks to friends who had verbally slapped me in the face to keep me sane. Thanks to friends who had been concern about me and who were more angered about the whole "situation" than I was myself. Thanks to friends who knew what had happen, asked the above questions but never push me for more.

I am almost there. Just a little bit more. A year ago, I constantly lie to myself and might not have a reason to let go and so I hung on, but now I do. It is time for me to move on and let go - a mission, a new year resolution which I am sure to make it happen. Hang on there and cheer me on. I will reach my goal.

"When someone shows no interest in being with you, is consistently inconsistent, and their actions don't match up with their words - it's time to let go" - Mandy Hale (@TheSingleWoman)

Two Face

Behind those smiles were her invisible tears.

Behind those laughters were her silent cries.

She put on a mask and say to self, everything is going to be ok.

He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her.........

or what does she lacks that is not worthy of him?

as her controversial heart continue to suffer in agony...

Forever lost

The words, like a thousand daggers cutting through her heart and her throat - she was left alone gasping, longing to find one little air to breath - not knowing the spirit she called her soul has left her....

Mr Big's words, "I am seeing someone" still rings in her ears. She fought hard to find her words - and finally asked, "So you have a new girlfriend now?"

Hoping that all were just a conversation in one of her nightmare and when she wakes up all is just nothing but a dream - an illusion. But no - in real words, he replied, "Yes. I have a girlfriend now"

Those 6 words, caught her off guard. Mr Big who do not want a committed relationship is now in a relationship? Not with her but with someone else! With both their arms still wrapped around each other, it took her almost forever to register those 6 words. She pushed him away and ran to the bathroom for a hide. She wanted to cry. No tears came. She wanted to scream. No voice came out of her lungs. Feeling like she lost a limb and a heart - her soul, she went back into his arms. Hugging him, holding on and hoping he'll stay in her arms forever. She didn't ask him to stay nor ask him why, for she know she had lost the battle. Mr Big's heart is no longer hers. For another hour or so, still in his arms, Mr Big continue his story, telling her how great the motherland was and how much he enjoy the other girl's company and what he like about her and on and on not knowing how jealous and insecure she's feeling at the moment and each time, the cuts get deeper and deeper and deeper. Having just down a drowsy pill hours before the conversation begins, her head started to spin and she drifted further, Mr Big's heartbeat is like a lullaby, his voice seems distance and slowly her eyelids became heavier. As hurt as she was, she try her very best to keep herself awake to treasure the every moment with Mr Big. She couldn't fight nor wants to push him away. All she wanted was to pause the very moment/second - in the comfort of his arms around her, to stay a little longer is his embrace, to smell the smell of the the slight tobacco in his breath and the smell of his cologne - a scent that she's going to miss....

Exactly a year ago, like history is repeating itself - the scene replays. Mr Big left and she's left all alone. Lost. Heartbroken. Once again. Yes, AGAIN! Just this time, it is not just a cut, but a thousand more times deeper...and a shattered broken heart..... :'(

...if only he knew...

Miss Me?

First and foremost, like I always do when I am "back" after my "disappearance" with no new updates:

I AM SORRY.

My life (since I last blog), like many others have been like on a roller coaster ride - there're the ups, the downs and the unexpected turns. Here's my story:

On life:

Earlier this year, if you remember my post on my new year resolution for this year (I know this is way too early to talk about new year resolution and that I should leave it till end of the year to do my evaluation and my personal "verdict" but well.... I am always special :P When I wanna do it, i do it. Nothing can stop me nor will time make any difference)...here's how well I've faired...so far:

Resolution 1: Love myself and my family more

Not too sure about if I am loving myself more. I've done many things to myself that I am not proud of (eg: relying on pills to put me to sleep, cry to sleep) but the same time, I've came to learn many things about myself this year and many decisions and things I did are all based on putting myself and m family above all others. I've pampered myself with many little things...so i guess I did love myself more? :D

and earlier first half of the year, there's a new addition member to my family. Please give a big smile and welcome my nephew JJ

Me carrying JJ when he's a month old.

Resolution 2: Sponsor a child

If you've been following my blog all this while (link), you know that I've fulfilled this resolution earlier of the year :D Here's a few snapshots of recent updates from my son in China....

Peng Xin's latest picture

He said his dream is to become a Police!

and he drew me 2 bunnies :D

And guess what, I've just signed up for one of UNICEF's thingy to help prevent/fight HIV/AIDS... (some sort of that...) a few hours ago. If God is blessing me, I would love to use His blessing by helping others in need :D BTW, Happy Thanksgiving!

Resolution 3: Join a marathon

Proud to say, I've completed 3 race this year - all within the given time (still far away from my own personal best I set 10 years ago). Don't judge yet! Ironwoman, I am not - just 10km race each.

Here's one of my finisher medal:

My Adidas KOTR 2011 Finisher Medal

Resolution 4: Go on a holiday trip

This year, I have the opportunity to reward myself with 3 trips Hatyai, Thailand, Singapore, and Medan, Indonesia.

All 3 trips with good friends and family. I feel blessed and had a great time!

Resolution 5: Do what I do best

Well, did not manage to get much paintball this year yet, done not many personal project, but definitely on a comeback on designing stuff. Have been doing some digital airbrushing and working on some personal art project. Will share when the time comes...stay tune!

Resolution 6: Be more forgiving towards others

I hope I've been more forgiving. Can't really judge myself on this. Nothing major had happen this year that needs me to be extremely forgiving....maybe just one thing (let's leave this to talk on anther time, another post and another day)

Resolution 7: Get myself a pet

Does Monster Pet on iPhone counts? LOL!

Resolution 8: Party Hard

Did not party hard, but I've had many great time and celebration with friends and family.

Resolution 9: Save some money

Unfortunately, this was a hard resolution :( Living in the capital city - away from home is not the ideal option for saving money. But I am still trying... fingers crossed with my new job (YES! got a new job. more details below...read on)

Resolution 10: Get a house

When I wrote this resolution earlier this year, I know this is the hardest among all. Well, I try to give it a shot and the time is just not right YET. So, next year perhaps?

On work

Well, started a new job earlier this week. I'm still on probation period, so if everything goes well, hopefully I'll be doing what I love doing for good :D

On personal matters

Hmm....well....it's complicated. A year had passed and things are still as complicated as ever. But for the past few days (I've been contemplating for quite a while to be honest), I've decided that it is time to end and move on.... I've had enough. I know I've said this many, many times, but this time I've decided to make it right. Mr Big or not....I have to be Ms AWESOME! Welcome new life! :D

Said I won't cry

heard this song through the radio while i was driving back earlier. The singer/writer (Kelly Poon from Singapore) said she wrote this song while she was going through a heartbreak (if I understand correctly....)

A nice song...a song that touches my heart...in a way :D

Love me then don't go...

call her useless, the piece broken is still broken. the piece missing is still missing.

tired of pretending to be happy & tough. tired of lying to herself & others.

pathetically, silently hoping and praying.....

Until this time, I am still the same,
The loneliness of the night easily makes people hurt,
I don't dare to think too much,
Because I am all by myself.

Facing the moonllight, it draws out the silhouette,
Walking by the boundless and endless street,
I didn't hear any news about you,
That's why I'm thinking of you

Love me then don't go,
If you say, you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again

Love me then don't go,
If you say, you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again

And at this night, i've forgotten the lyrics,
Loneliness of the night easily makes people hurt,
I didn't hear any news about you,
Because I'm all by myself,
Facing moonlight, it draws out the silhouette,
Walking by the boundless and endless street all alone,
I didn't hear any news of you,
That's why I am thinking of you,

Love me then don't go,
If you say you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again.

(translation taken from other website)

still hoping if time could reverse itself....she'll do things differently - but unfortunately, in the reality world, whatever done has been done. The hands of the clock don't move backwards....therefore she continue to pray for strength to move on ... at least some strength...

hate to feel so weaken but yet she can't help it. the depth of her fall is deeper than she thought....

Not gone, just hiding...

Sorry I've been away for about more than 2 months that feels like a whole 2 years to me...

there were the ups and downs... which have partially made me insane... (literally speaking....)

well.....for the first 5 minutes, for many, many days that i've been trying to type out a post... I am always stuck here. Lost at words.

The many, many days has gone and I realize it has been more than 60 days ago since the first time I tried to write something here which end up with nothing....and I just could not find myself transferring my thoughts to the keyboard....

So many words, so many occasions, so many memories, so many thoughts, so many sorrows, so many stories, so many happy moments...that I wanted to share...yet decide that I don't feel like it...i just didn't know where to start or wonder is it relevant anymore to share....

so forgive me for being selfish, for not being able to blog, for not being able to be the old self I was - cheerful, always positive, always looking forward to things. I realize a certain things that happen to me had changed me and it has somehow suck away my confidence in life.

I continue to pretend and act as if I've overcome all the obstacles. I act as if I am no longer in suffocation. Well, please just pretend along with me that I am ok. For I will feel better when my weakness is not being spotted.

Don't worry. I am ok. I just need time to rediscover myself. I've fall too deep (deeper than I thought it was), and climbing up needs lots of strength and time. So please bare with me and show me some support maybe - by pretending i am ok??? by not asking what happen??

Eileen will be back... promise...

ps: please forgive me for another emotional post.