Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Goodbye? Not.

Day 60: Just when I need her the most....

March 5th, 2014, I lost mum, my lifetime best friend, ears to my problem(s) and daily updates, a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of strength and a safety blanket that catches me whenever I fall and when i need the comfort and protection. She was everything to me. And now I feel lost and lonely. Nothing seems be the same again without her.

Memories of our moments together still fresh in my mind. I try to treasure each one of them, recalling her words, her actions and our time together whenever i can but those memories will only bring tears to my eyes now.

What's killing inside me is the guilt of never being enough for her. Never able to be the perfect daughter she always wanted me to be. The guilt of failing her last wish for me. And other guilts that are probably killing me slowly now.

"I am sorry mummy. I can't be who you envision me to be when you are still here. But i wish you will continue to watch over be from above."

Our last 111 days together just seems too short for a lifetime farewell but i am glad God gave me those days. Those days had bonded us together more than before. It made me realize the sacrifices she'd made her whole life and what she had done for the family. If it wasn't for those 111 days, I wouldn't have known the journey mummy had went through for all of us.

Day 77: I Realize...
She might not be here anymore, but her spirit and her way of life are still here with me, forever in my heart. I woke up today, knowing that my life journey with her did not end the day she passed away but instead they are still here with me. Her words and her wisdom, her way of life, her patience, her selfless spirit, her commitment and love for the family will forever be remembered. Memories of her are what I have now to help me move forward. She'd raised me with all the qualities of herself and I hope, I will continue to live the life she had taught me. Her "legacy". My life journey with mum did not end yet but instead it is just a new beginning of a new chapter and a new journey with her.  Mum is no longer here physically but her spirit and love for me still is (i am sure). Quote a good friend of mine, "Heaven is not too far". Definitely.

No comments: