Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Goodbye? Not.

Day 60: Just when I need her the most....

March 5th, 2014, I lost mum, my lifetime best friend, ears to my problem(s) and daily updates, a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of strength and a safety blanket that catches me whenever I fall and when i need the comfort and protection. She was everything to me. And now I feel lost and lonely. Nothing seems be the same again without her.

Memories of our moments together still fresh in my mind. I try to treasure each one of them, recalling her words, her actions and our time together whenever i can but those memories will only bring tears to my eyes now.

What's killing inside me is the guilt of never being enough for her. Never able to be the perfect daughter she always wanted me to be. The guilt of failing her last wish for me. And other guilts that are probably killing me slowly now.

"I am sorry mummy. I can't be who you envision me to be when you are still here. But i wish you will continue to watch over be from above."

Our last 111 days together just seems too short for a lifetime farewell but i am glad God gave me those days. Those days had bonded us together more than before. It made me realize the sacrifices she'd made her whole life and what she had done for the family. If it wasn't for those 111 days, I wouldn't have known the journey mummy had went through for all of us.

Day 77: I Realize...
She might not be here anymore, but her spirit and her way of life are still here with me, forever in my heart. I woke up today, knowing that my life journey with her did not end the day she passed away but instead they are still here with me. Her words and her wisdom, her way of life, her patience, her selfless spirit, her commitment and love for the family will forever be remembered. Memories of her are what I have now to help me move forward. She'd raised me with all the qualities of herself and I hope, I will continue to live the life she had taught me. Her "legacy". My life journey with mum did not end yet but instead it is just a new beginning of a new chapter and a new journey with her.  Mum is no longer here physically but her spirit and love for me still is (i am sure). Quote a good friend of mine, "Heaven is not too far". Definitely.

Monday, March 03, 2014

Just can't wait

105 days since my last race and still counting....

Don't feel good that I am "stuck" at where I am while friends are out and running the races.....

I just can't wait to get back into my running shoes, and to feel the adrenaline rush on race days.

Sigh. Hang it there Eileen. You will be back...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Goodbye 13, Hello 14.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - 
The Fault In Our Stars, John Green

Twenty thirteen for me was a year filled with many emotional ups and downs - not just the accomplishment of 2 full marathons but also one filled with many other life accomplishments that can't be measured by the distance or the calories burnt. Sometimes, life can be just so complicated and yet simple at the same time.

You see, 45 days before the 13 came to an end, I received news while at work that my mom was admitted to the hospital. Even though the oncologist assure us that she's healed after her final round of chemo and radiotheraphy few weeks ago, my instinct told me something is not right. So I booked my flight ticket back home right away. Upon arriving home, I received the news from my dad that mom's kidney is failing and her condition is not doing too good. My heart literally fell to the floor. I guess, that's the day when I can no longer be mummy's little girl - no more pampering, no more privileges of being the youngest in the family, no more ranting and complaining of my lousy life in the city living on my own, no more auto-laundry. In another words, I am to be stripped off the title as "Mom's Little Princess". I needed to grow up and I needed to change to be someone else. I have no other options. Period.

So change I tried - HARD. Very hard. The journey wasn't easy. I was literally thrown into a pool, and I need to learn how to swim and to keep my head above water, and I need to do it fast! I struggled (of cos). I cried and I screamed in silence and alone. I hated myself for being so useless and I just felt everything I did then (and even now) is not good enough for her. I love her too much to let her go, just yet. So I hung on, I wanted to believe that everyday when she's feeling much more energetic and better, she's recovering and that tomorrow she will be completely healed. Every time when the hopes are high, it was beaten down all over again. It's like playing the snake and ladder board game. You left 10 boxes away from starting grid and only to find out that your very next step that you are taking is the box with a snake's head and will bring you down back to number the starting grid. Yes. Life sucks.

I was living in fear everyday and still am.

And then I was down with dengue fever and was admitted to the hospital for a week. That's when I realize, the needle that was stuck at the back of my palm, the stinging pain when the needle went through my skin and poked into my veins everyday for drip and blood test is barely 1% of what my mom went through during her chemotheraphy sessions that lasted months. Imagine, getting yourself poke everyday, and jab every so often. Being a tough nut myself, i didn't enjoy a single bit of it and i only tasted it for 5 days...yet alone mom manage to endure and complete 3 full courses of chemo and now... She's my heroin for fighting this war but I want her to know, it's not her own battle. I am here for her and so is my dad whom took care of her so well and tend to her needs so patiently and diligently. It's like I finally saw the softer side of daddy - a caring and loving husband to my mom and not the every strict and angry dad that I grew up to hate at times when he had his mood swings and temper on.

Fourteen came.

I reflected and evaluated myself and what I had accomplished in 13 and how I had dealt with issues in life for the pass 28 years. Taking care of mom for the pass months had helped me grow and found the other side of myself which I wasn't sure existed 3 months ago.

I have learnt why I had always pushed people and potential relationships out of my life - that is because I am afraid to express my real feelings and to care and be committed in a relationship. I wasn't sure if I can handle being attached to another person and have someone invade my "space". I had fears and self-doubt that I can be better than any of their ex(es). I guess that's what came between me and Mr Big and McDreamy is my unwillingness to open up and express my true feelings to them.  (yes, i've never blogged about McDreamy before. This will be another story to tell in the future)

I have also learnt that life is not just about the amount of money in your bank account or the figures you earn every month. Life is too short to think money can buy us happiness. Life is too vulnerable to throw it away just like that. A quality life is how you live each day filled with the amazing moments either for yourself or with your love ones and loving them more each day.

Sometimes, certain things happen for a reason. Life is not a bed of roses. God indeed have His plan for all of us but what is His mighty plan, we have to unfold its layers through time. Therefore, I need to remember to find blessing in everything even through the darkest nights in life. I've learnt to accept, endure and grow to be stronger than before. For all the bad things that happen, I am sure there's a blessing in disguise hidden somewhere. Didn't they say, "every cloud has a silver lining"? I am sure I'll find the light at the end of tunnel when I am ready to open up my heart and my mind.

Lastly, I've learnt that true friends are the ones that stood by you through the thick and thin. They do not sway and they do not just "fly away". They allow you to lean on their shoulders whenever you need to cry, their ears whenever you need a listener and the time whenever you need company - even when they are thousand miles away. I am blessed to have many, many friends who care and actually listen to my crap whenever they have to! :D

All in all, the most important of all, I realize, if I were to love myself more, I'll learn to love others. If I had not reflected on myself, I would have not learnt all the above. Thus, here's a toast to self discovery and a good twenty fourteen.

Cheers Leen! Keep it up!