Wednesday, February 29, 2012

29 February

The day when all the pain of yesterday will be put behind.

The day I am starting a new.

The day I say goodbye to a 2 years friendship and a so-called relationship.

Goodbye Mr Big.

If God have His plans for you and me, till then will our life cross path again. If not, I guess this is the end....of you and me. I am letting you go for good.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

How are you?

"How are you?"

A simple question that only needs a simple answer yet I find it the most difficult question to answer.

"I am fine" just seems right. But is "fine" really mean that i am feeling good, happy, healthy and the day has been good so far?

"I am good" probably is better. But is that the right answer? Am I really good to leave things behind? Am I good to let him go? Am I good to delete him off? Am I good in moving on already? Is my old self back for good?

Maybe "I am doing ok" sounds better. I do feel much, much better as compare to 25 days ago.

Thanks to friends who had verbally slapped me in the face to keep me sane. Thanks to friends who had been concern about me and who were more angered about the whole "situation" than I was myself. Thanks to friends who knew what had happen, asked the above questions but never push me for more.

I am almost there. Just a little bit more. A year ago, I constantly lie to myself and might not have a reason to let go and so I hung on, but now I do. It is time for me to move on and let go - a mission, a new year resolution which I am sure to make it happen. Hang on there and cheer me on. I will reach my goal.

"When someone shows no interest in being with you, is consistently inconsistent, and their actions don't match up with their words - it's time to let go" - Mandy Hale (@TheSingleWoman)

Monday, February 13, 2012

Two Face

Behind those smiles were her invisible tears.
Behind those laughters were her silent cries.

She put on a mask and say to self, everything is going to be ok.
He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her.........

or what does she lacks that is not worthy of him?

as her controversial heart continue to suffer in agony...

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Forever lost

The words, like a thousand daggers cutting through her heart and her throat - she was left alone gasping, longing to find one little air to breath - not knowing the spirit she called her soul has left her....

Mr Big's words, "I am seeing someone" still rings in her ears. She fought hard to find her words - and finally asked, "So you have a new girlfriend now?"

Hoping that all were just a conversation in one of her nightmare and when she wakes up all is just nothing but a dream - an illusion. But no - in real words, he replied, "Yes. I have a girlfriend now"

Those 6 words, caught her off guard. Mr Big who do not want a committed relationship is now in a relationship? Not with her but with someone else! With both their arms still wrapped around each other, it took her almost forever to register those 6 words. She pushed him away and ran to the bathroom for a hide. She wanted to cry. No tears came. She wanted to scream. No voice came out of her lungs. Feeling like she lost a limb and a heart - her soul, she went back into his arms. Hugging him, holding on and hoping he'll stay in her arms forever. She didn't ask him to stay nor ask him why, for she know she had lost the battle. Mr Big's heart is no longer hers. For another hour or so, still in his arms, Mr Big continue his story, telling her how great the motherland was and how much he enjoy the other girl's company and what he like about her and on and on not knowing how jealous and insecure she's feeling at the moment and each time, the cuts get deeper and deeper and deeper. Having just down a drowsy pill hours before the conversation begins, her head started to spin and she drifted further, Mr Big's heartbeat is like a lullaby, his voice seems distance and slowly her eyelids became heavier. As hurt as she was, she try her very best to keep herself awake to treasure the every moment with Mr Big. She couldn't fight nor wants to push him away. All she wanted was to pause the very moment/second - in the comfort of his arms around her, to stay a little longer is his embrace, to smell the smell of the the slight tobacco in his breath and the smell of his cologne - a scent that she's going to miss....

Exactly a year ago, like history is repeating itself - the scene replays. Mr Big left and she's left all alone. Lost. Heartbroken. Once again. Yes, AGAIN! Just this time, it is not just a cut, but a thousand more times deeper...and a shattered broken heart..... :'(

...if only he knew...