Goodbye? Not.

Day 60: Just when I need her the most....

March 5th, 2014, I lost mum, my lifetime best friend, ears to my problem(s) and daily updates, a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of strength and a safety blanket that catches me whenever I fall and when i need the comfort and protection. She was everything to me. And now I feel lost and lonely. Nothing seems be the same again without her.

Memories of our moments together still fresh in my mind. I try to treasure each one of them, recalling her words, her actions and our time together whenever i can but those memories will only bring tears to my eyes now.

What's killing inside me is the guilt of never being enough for her. Never able to be the perfect daughter she always wanted me to be. The guilt of failing her last wish for me. And other guilts that are probably killing me slowly now.

"I am sorry mummy. I can't be who you envision me to be when you are still here. But i wish you will continue to watch over be from above."

Our last 111 days together just seems too short for a lifetime farewell but i am glad God gave me those days. Those days had bonded us together more than before. It made me realize the sacrifices she'd made her whole life and what she had done for the family. If it wasn't for those 111 days, I wouldn't have known the journey mummy had went through for all of us.

Day 77: I Realize...
She might not be here anymore, but her spirit and her way of life are still here with me, forever in my heart. I woke up today, knowing that my life journey with her did not end the day she passed away but instead they are still here with me. Her words and her wisdom, her way of life, her patience, her selfless spirit, her commitment and love for the family will forever be remembered. Memories of her are what I have now to help me move forward. She'd raised me with all the qualities of herself and I hope, I will continue to live the life she had taught me. Her "legacy". My life journey with mum did not end yet but instead it is just a new beginning of a new chapter and a new journey with her.  Mum is no longer here physically but her spirit and love for me still is (i am sure). Quote a good friend of mine, "Heaven is not too far". Definitely.

Just can't wait

105 days since my last race and still counting....

Don't feel good that I am "stuck" at where I am while friends are out and running the races.....

I just can't wait to get back into my running shoes, and to feel the adrenaline rush on race days.

Sigh. Hang it there Eileen. You will be back...

Goodbye 13, Hello 14.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - 
The Fault In Our Stars, John Green

Twenty thirteen for me was a year filled with many emotional ups and downs - not just the accomplishment of 2 full marathons but also one filled with many other life accomplishments that can't be measured by the distance or the calories burnt. Sometimes, life can be just so complicated and yet simple at the same time.

You see, 45 days before the 13 came to an end, I received news while at work that my mom was admitted to the hospital. Even though the oncologist assure us that she's healed after her final round of chemo and radiotheraphy few weeks ago, my instinct told me something is not right. So I booked my flight ticket back home right away. Upon arriving home, I received the news from my dad that mom's kidney is failing and her condition is not doing too good. My heart literally fell to the floor. I guess, that's the day when I can no longer be mummy's little girl - no more pampering, no more privileges of being the youngest in the family, no more ranting and complaining of my lousy life in the city living on my own, no more auto-laundry. In another words, I am to be stripped off the title as "Mom's Little Princess". I needed to grow up and I needed to change to be someone else. I have no other options. Period.

So change I tried - HARD. Very hard. The journey wasn't easy. I was literally thrown into a pool, and I need to learn how to swim and to keep my head above water, and I need to do it fast! I struggled (of cos). I cried and I screamed in silence and alone. I hated myself for being so useless and I just felt everything I did then (and even now) is not good enough for her. I love her too much to let her go, just yet. So I hung on, I wanted to believe that everyday when she's feeling much more energetic and better, she's recovering and that tomorrow she will be completely healed. Every time when the hopes are high, it was beaten down all over again. It's like playing the snake and ladder board game. You left 10 boxes away from starting grid and only to find out that your very next step that you are taking is the box with a snake's head and will bring you down back to number the starting grid. Yes. Life sucks.

I was living in fear everyday and still am.

And then I was down with dengue fever and was admitted to the hospital for a week. That's when I realize, the needle that was stuck at the back of my palm, the stinging pain when the needle went through my skin and poked into my veins everyday for drip and blood test is barely 1% of what my mom went through during her chemotheraphy sessions that lasted months. Imagine, getting yourself poke everyday, and jab every so often. Being a tough nut myself, i didn't enjoy a single bit of it and i only tasted it for 5 days...yet alone mom manage to endure and complete 3 full courses of chemo and now... She's my heroin for fighting this war but I want her to know, it's not her own battle. I am here for her and so is my dad whom took care of her so well and tend to her needs so patiently and diligently. It's like I finally saw the softer side of daddy - a caring and loving husband to my mom and not the every strict and angry dad that I grew up to hate at times when he had his mood swings and temper on.

Fourteen came.

I reflected and evaluated myself and what I had accomplished in 13 and how I had dealt with issues in life for the pass 28 years. Taking care of mom for the pass months had helped me grow and found the other side of myself which I wasn't sure existed 3 months ago.

I have learnt why I had always pushed people and potential relationships out of my life - that is because I am afraid to express my real feelings and to care and be committed in a relationship. I wasn't sure if I can handle being attached to another person and have someone invade my "space". I had fears and self-doubt that I can be better than any of their ex(es). I guess that's what came between me and Mr Big and McDreamy is my unwillingness to open up and express my true feelings to them.  (yes, i've never blogged about McDreamy before. This will be another story to tell in the future)

I have also learnt that life is not just about the amount of money in your bank account or the figures you earn every month. Life is too short to think money can buy us happiness. Life is too vulnerable to throw it away just like that. A quality life is how you live each day filled with the amazing moments either for yourself or with your love ones and loving them more each day.

Sometimes, certain things happen for a reason. Life is not a bed of roses. God indeed have His plan for all of us but what is His mighty plan, we have to unfold its layers through time. Therefore, I need to remember to find blessing in everything even through the darkest nights in life. I've learnt to accept, endure and grow to be stronger than before. For all the bad things that happen, I am sure there's a blessing in disguise hidden somewhere. Didn't they say, "every cloud has a silver lining"? I am sure I'll find the light at the end of tunnel when I am ready to open up my heart and my mind.

Lastly, I've learnt that true friends are the ones that stood by you through the thick and thin. They do not sway and they do not just "fly away". They allow you to lean on their shoulders whenever you need to cry, their ears whenever you need a listener and the time whenever you need company - even when they are thousand miles away. I am blessed to have many, many friends who care and actually listen to my crap whenever they have to! :D

All in all, the most important of all, I realize, if I were to love myself more, I'll learn to love others. If I had not reflected on myself, I would have not learnt all the above. Thus, here's a toast to self discovery and a good twenty fourteen.

Cheers Leen! Keep it up!

Running the Distance

Hello homo sapiens. 

Greetings.
I am still alive.

6 months away and I am of the below:

~ 6 months older.

Women by nature are sensitive towards numbers when it comes to age they say. True. No doubt. But let's face it. Its the truth. No? In a positive context, I am now 6 months more mature than my last post! 

~ 6 months of self discovery

6 months ago, 2 days after my last post, I completed my first half marathon! Yay! It's my longest thus far! An in another 70 days, I will be doing my first competitive FULL! (still can't believe what I've done! LOL)

For the past 10months, I've been running a lot more than I used to months before. From a random new friend's (whom i got to know last June) invitation to join his midweek running group, I've been running very consistently since then.

10 months - and it has been one great adventure thus far - one journey i wish to continue to travel till the days when i can't run nor walk anymore. It's something i wish i would still be doing at the age of 70. 

Why running? You ask. 

I used to run 10k when i was in high school then stop when i went to uni. Back then I run because I know I didn't stand a chance to join the track events in school. I just simple ain't fast enough for the 100m or the 200m. In school, if you are not fast, you are not athletic. I know I may not be fast, but I know I can endure the distance. So on my own account, I registered myself for my first 10k in 2000.

10 years later on a random day in 2011, I decided to pick it up again when I was going through a rough patch with Mr Big. It was the only thing that was keeping me sane. I ran then so i can feel the adrenaline rush. I ran then just to feel the real pain and aches on my muscle so I can't feel the invisible pain in my heart. That time, I ran, all just because i wanted so badly to run away from my darkest moments....

BUT for the last 6 months, I've discovered so much more to running than just running away from fear or running to hide my tears. Running has become part of me. Running is no longer a chore like it is to many. Running to me is not about completing the distance or to compete who finish faster. It's NOT about filling up the gap of the broken piece in me. It's so much more now.

Running to me is about:

1. Self discovery

Every new distance i complete, every run I've done, I discover more of myself and that I am so much more resistant than before. I could cross the finish line if i set myself to it. Set a target, laced up and RUN the distance. Before I know it, I am crossing the finish line. With this mentality, I am now more positive in all my actions and thinking. I am no longer reading horoscope to determine how I am going to let the course of life takes me, but I am now setting goals and working hard to "run" the distance to achieve them.

2. My ME time

Like enjoying a cup of good coffee over a good book, running is the best time I reflect on the past and present problems. When I am on the road running, anything and everything is like a giant slideshow in my head - family, friends, work, financial problems. Running won't solve all my problems. My financial problems will not magically disappear when I cross the finish line but at least, i feel i am at ease. Research claims, when you run, the feel good hormone, endorphins are release into your system and thus all stress will be "switch-off". 

3. Friendship

It's the camaraderie that forms with running friends - the random new people I've met at training, at races and at the park are now my friends and some become close friends. My social circle expands and running is no longer an alone thingy. Whenever I start running, I'll active my running app on my phone and it automatically send a wall post to my facebook, and friends cheer me on. Some friends think that it's annoying that i am sharing my run on my FB wall, but to some friends, they think my wall post is an encouragement for them to get out of bed on saturday or sunday mornings. 

4. For causes I support

So last November, I joined the Terry Fox Foundation Run. it's my first time running for a cause - a cause that is so dear to my heart. A month before the run, my mom had a recurrence and had to go through another round of chemo and running that short distance and pacing a good friend of mine who was doing her first 5k and furthest run in her life thus far, was filled with so many emotions beyond words. 

on 11.11.12, I ran for a reason. I ran for those who can't. I ran to show my mum, we can fight the battle together

When I found out later in the night that my message was featured on the gigantic board, I couldn't be more delighted - as I was hoping that whomever who have read the message said a little prayer for me and my family.  

my message got featured on the gigantic board

5. Having fun!

Last but not least, running is for fun! When I did my first half marathon in Oct, at 7k, I was cursing myself for signing up for the distance. At 17k, i just felt like giving up - but I hung on. At 20k, with just 200m to go to finish line, i was about to stop running, but with friends who stood nearby cheered me on. I was in so much pain when i cross the finish line and i was so exhausted then... but the joy of completion?? SKY ROCKET HIGH! the pain and the muscle soreness after the long run - i call it the "fun pain"!!! 

First half marathon: That's me in pain, crossing the finish line. YEEHAA!

Last 2 weeks, I did another half marathon but this time is with another best friend of mine! In celebration of our 19 years of friendship and in support of the fairer sex in running, we crossed the line together at 2:48! It's her first sub 3 for a halfie and her PB (personal best) so far! 

on our last 200m to finish line....

last 100m and we are jumping....

That's us floating in the air after crossing the finish line

 with the Marathon Woman - Kathrine Switzer. The first lady that ran the prestigious Boston Marathon and the lady who paved the way for woman to run the distance. 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - I took mine, have you?

The End Is Just the Beginning of Something New

Mr Big and I finally said our last goodbye. It is now OFFICIALLY over! Surprisingly, I am actually quite relief that this chapter has finally come to a GIANT FULL STOP.

You might be asking, didn't the "drama" ended few months ago? Yes. Sort of. It is more like "I ended it" - I closed the chapter on my side and moved on without even sorting things out properly with him (you know...the "break-up talk thingy"). But what's there more to say after what happen right? wasn't it clear when the other one got a new partner, the one left behind just have to "move out" and move on?

Anyway, I know Mr Big will be in town, but I did not expect any form of communication with him. After all, i've blocked him from my FB months ago, he should "get" the message - "I want him out of my life". But i guess Mr Big being Mr Big probably didn't realize I went missing from his facebook...or maybe he did but decide he wanted to try his luck and see what happens....

Having already moved on, knowing that he's not the right one for me, and didn't want any sort of complicated-guessing-game relationship to go on anymore longer and knowing that I deserve more than all the bulls, I ignored his messages at first, but after much thought, I decided to reply Mr Big's text once and for all, to cut all strings that're still invisibly attached. At first I thought we could still be friends even if the relationship don't work out but I think in order to heal and get out of this on-off-on-off-complicated relationship and to "protect" myself I needed the distance and a complete cut off.  The childish me told him to delete me off his contact list and not contact me again - and even if he don't want to do so, he just got to leave me alone for he owe me that much for the pain he had put me through last time around. Mr Big apologize for hurting me, for not being there for me, for not being able to be the guy that is able to give me what i want.

"What do i want?" I asked.

He said, "Family. Eventually you would want that."

Silent.....

Seriously, the thought of having a family together with Mr Big never actually cross my mind. But in a way, he is right. I do want a family out of a relationship in the future - but isn't that the whole point of relationship/marriage? To find the other half God prepared for you to spend the rest of your life with together? But of course we don't expect every relationship to turn to marriage. That's why people go on date(s) to get to know one another first before committing to a life-long relationship.

"It is easy to have a relationship. But it's hard to maintain an ever lasting relationship with me. For me to commit and settle down, I'll probably need someone that will compromise with my uncertainty of my future" he said.

I am uncertain about my own future, I do not know what i want then, so I don't expect him to either...but well, he pushed me away before letting me in to prove myself. But it's ok....enough is enough. It's over. Time's up. I am tired. There's no point in running a race of uncertainty...alone.

and he added that he's thousand miles away, and even if we are in a committed relationship, he will eventually cheat and lie and he didn't want to lie to me and rather tell me the truth. Fair enough. I appreciate the heads up and the honesty but no woman can accept a cheating man and i am of no difference. If a man can cheat on you, he don't really love you that much. So what's there more to say right? Ending the relationship and cutting off all ties seems like the best option on the table.

I hold no grudge against Mr Big. In a way, I am grateful for the journey that Mr Big had brought me through had indirectly turns to life lessons. Once bitten twice wise they say. A blessing in disguise perhaps? So I bid him goodbye and wish him a safe journey back and he did too.

Goodbye Mr Big.
19th October 2012.

PS: I know I've been missing for many months and there's so many updates that I've not share with you here. Hopefully I will find time. My next post is gonna be one positive post about my recent journey of self-discovery! Stay tune!

Live Life

Hello cyberfriends and cyberstalkers, how have you been?

I've been busy and hence this overdue post. Half of the year just came and went..looking back and reflecting on the 6 months, time indeed flies when one's busy.

How have I been?

On my take on my professional life as a career minded woman, I've never found so much passion in designing till this year. I am growing more everyday and learning new things makes me happy. Designing is a never ending journey and I am glad I've grown to love it more every single time. Imagine, just walking through a mall, just driving down the highway back, things I see - be it the billboard or the road signs, the colour combinations of the cars stuck in the jam, the winding roads, the pedestrians crossing the roads as my car stopped at the junction or the colours of the sky, sunrise or sunset have somehow in a way inspired me.

And a side note, something BIG is cooking. stay tune?!

As of my own personal life, slowly, gradually I am feeling better but nonetheless, I wouldn't deny that at times, I did fall back a little. I realize I am turning cold. It was only recently when a friend asked me a question and I realize how i am completely shutting myself off. Didn't they say, prevention is better than cure?

Signing off for now....

Cheers,
Miss E

I Wonder...

"There are many things to laugh about forcibly

Like a wind-up doll, like it's my job, I laugh...."

"Because I smile every day

Because I show my smiles,

They think I am happy..."

"But how can I smile, how can I smile....

I smile and I smile but tears flow again"

F. Scott Fitzgerald's

Way of Love

29 February

The day when all the pain of yesterday will be put behind.

The day I am starting a new.

The day I say goodbye to a 2 years friendship and a so-called relationship.

Goodbye Mr Big.

If God have His plans for you and me, till then will our life cross path again. If not, I guess this is the end....of you and me. I am letting you go for good.

How are you?

"How are you?"

A simple question that only needs a simple answer yet I find it the most difficult question to answer.

"I am fine" just seems right. But is "fine" really mean that i am feeling good, happy, healthy and the day has been good so far?

"I am good" probably is better. But is that the right answer? Am I really good to leave things behind? Am I good to let him go? Am I good to delete him off? Am I good in moving on already? Is my old self back for good?

Maybe "I am doing ok" sounds better. I do feel much, much better as compare to 25 days ago.

Thanks to friends who had verbally slapped me in the face to keep me sane. Thanks to friends who had been concern about me and who were more angered about the whole "situation" than I was myself. Thanks to friends who knew what had happen, asked the above questions but never push me for more.

I am almost there. Just a little bit more. A year ago, I constantly lie to myself and might not have a reason to let go and so I hung on, but now I do. It is time for me to move on and let go - a mission, a new year resolution which I am sure to make it happen. Hang on there and cheer me on. I will reach my goal.

"When someone shows no interest in being with you, is consistently inconsistent, and their actions don't match up with their words - it's time to let go" - Mandy Hale (@TheSingleWoman)

Two Face

Behind those smiles were her invisible tears.

Behind those laughters were her silent cries.

She put on a mask and say to self, everything is going to be ok.

He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her. He's not worthy of her.........

or what does she lacks that is not worthy of him?

as her controversial heart continue to suffer in agony...

Forever lost

The words, like a thousand daggers cutting through her heart and her throat - she was left alone gasping, longing to find one little air to breath - not knowing the spirit she called her soul has left her....

Mr Big's words, "I am seeing someone" still rings in her ears. She fought hard to find her words - and finally asked, "So you have a new girlfriend now?"

Hoping that all were just a conversation in one of her nightmare and when she wakes up all is just nothing but a dream - an illusion. But no - in real words, he replied, "Yes. I have a girlfriend now"

Those 6 words, caught her off guard. Mr Big who do not want a committed relationship is now in a relationship? Not with her but with someone else! With both their arms still wrapped around each other, it took her almost forever to register those 6 words. She pushed him away and ran to the bathroom for a hide. She wanted to cry. No tears came. She wanted to scream. No voice came out of her lungs. Feeling like she lost a limb and a heart - her soul, she went back into his arms. Hugging him, holding on and hoping he'll stay in her arms forever. She didn't ask him to stay nor ask him why, for she know she had lost the battle. Mr Big's heart is no longer hers. For another hour or so, still in his arms, Mr Big continue his story, telling her how great the motherland was and how much he enjoy the other girl's company and what he like about her and on and on not knowing how jealous and insecure she's feeling at the moment and each time, the cuts get deeper and deeper and deeper. Having just down a drowsy pill hours before the conversation begins, her head started to spin and she drifted further, Mr Big's heartbeat is like a lullaby, his voice seems distance and slowly her eyelids became heavier. As hurt as she was, she try her very best to keep herself awake to treasure the every moment with Mr Big. She couldn't fight nor wants to push him away. All she wanted was to pause the very moment/second - in the comfort of his arms around her, to stay a little longer is his embrace, to smell the smell of the the slight tobacco in his breath and the smell of his cologne - a scent that she's going to miss....

Exactly a year ago, like history is repeating itself - the scene replays. Mr Big left and she's left all alone. Lost. Heartbroken. Once again. Yes, AGAIN! Just this time, it is not just a cut, but a thousand more times deeper...and a shattered broken heart..... :'(

...if only he knew...

Miss Me?

First and foremost, like I always do when I am "back" after my "disappearance" with no new updates:

I AM SORRY.

My life (since I last blog), like many others have been like on a roller coaster ride - there're the ups, the downs and the unexpected turns. Here's my story:

On life:

Earlier this year, if you remember my post on my new year resolution for this year (I know this is way too early to talk about new year resolution and that I should leave it till end of the year to do my evaluation and my personal "verdict" but well.... I am always special :P When I wanna do it, i do it. Nothing can stop me nor will time make any difference)...here's how well I've faired...so far:

Resolution 1: Love myself and my family more

Not too sure about if I am loving myself more. I've done many things to myself that I am not proud of (eg: relying on pills to put me to sleep, cry to sleep) but the same time, I've came to learn many things about myself this year and many decisions and things I did are all based on putting myself and m family above all others. I've pampered myself with many little things...so i guess I did love myself more? :D

and earlier first half of the year, there's a new addition member to my family. Please give a big smile and welcome my nephew JJ

Me carrying JJ when he's a month old.

Resolution 2: Sponsor a child

If you've been following my blog all this while (link), you know that I've fulfilled this resolution earlier of the year :D Here's a few snapshots of recent updates from my son in China....

Peng Xin's latest picture

He said his dream is to become a Police!

and he drew me 2 bunnies :D

And guess what, I've just signed up for one of UNICEF's thingy to help prevent/fight HIV/AIDS... (some sort of that...) a few hours ago. If God is blessing me, I would love to use His blessing by helping others in need :D BTW, Happy Thanksgiving!

Resolution 3: Join a marathon

Proud to say, I've completed 3 race this year - all within the given time (still far away from my own personal best I set 10 years ago). Don't judge yet! Ironwoman, I am not - just 10km race each.

Here's one of my finisher medal:

My Adidas KOTR 2011 Finisher Medal

Resolution 4: Go on a holiday trip

This year, I have the opportunity to reward myself with 3 trips Hatyai, Thailand, Singapore, and Medan, Indonesia.

All 3 trips with good friends and family. I feel blessed and had a great time!

Resolution 5: Do what I do best

Well, did not manage to get much paintball this year yet, done not many personal project, but definitely on a comeback on designing stuff. Have been doing some digital airbrushing and working on some personal art project. Will share when the time comes...stay tune!

Resolution 6: Be more forgiving towards others

I hope I've been more forgiving. Can't really judge myself on this. Nothing major had happen this year that needs me to be extremely forgiving....maybe just one thing (let's leave this to talk on anther time, another post and another day)

Resolution 7: Get myself a pet

Does Monster Pet on iPhone counts? LOL!

Resolution 8: Party Hard

Did not party hard, but I've had many great time and celebration with friends and family.

Resolution 9: Save some money

Unfortunately, this was a hard resolution :( Living in the capital city - away from home is not the ideal option for saving money. But I am still trying... fingers crossed with my new job (YES! got a new job. more details below...read on)

Resolution 10: Get a house

When I wrote this resolution earlier this year, I know this is the hardest among all. Well, I try to give it a shot and the time is just not right YET. So, next year perhaps?

On work

Well, started a new job earlier this week. I'm still on probation period, so if everything goes well, hopefully I'll be doing what I love doing for good :D

On personal matters

Hmm....well....it's complicated. A year had passed and things are still as complicated as ever. But for the past few days (I've been contemplating for quite a while to be honest), I've decided that it is time to end and move on.... I've had enough. I know I've said this many, many times, but this time I've decided to make it right. Mr Big or not....I have to be Ms AWESOME! Welcome new life! :D

Said I won't cry

heard this song through the radio while i was driving back earlier. The singer/writer (Kelly Poon from Singapore) said she wrote this song while she was going through a heartbreak (if I understand correctly....)

A nice song...a song that touches my heart...in a way :D

Love me then don't go...

call her useless, the piece broken is still broken. the piece missing is still missing.

tired of pretending to be happy & tough. tired of lying to herself & others.

pathetically, silently hoping and praying.....

Until this time, I am still the same,
The loneliness of the night easily makes people hurt,
I don't dare to think too much,
Because I am all by myself.

Facing the moonllight, it draws out the silhouette,
Walking by the boundless and endless street,
I didn't hear any news about you,
That's why I'm thinking of you

Love me then don't go,
If you say, you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again

Love me then don't go,
If you say, you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again

And at this night, i've forgotten the lyrics,
Loneliness of the night easily makes people hurt,
I didn't hear any news about you,
Because I'm all by myself,
Facing moonlight, it draws out the silhouette,
Walking by the boundless and endless street all alone,
I didn't hear any news of you,
That's why I am thinking of you,

Love me then don't go,
If you say you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again.

(translation taken from other website)

still hoping if time could reverse itself....she'll do things differently - but unfortunately, in the reality world, whatever done has been done. The hands of the clock don't move backwards....therefore she continue to pray for strength to move on ... at least some strength...

hate to feel so weaken but yet she can't help it. the depth of her fall is deeper than she thought....

Not gone, just hiding...

Sorry I've been away for about more than 2 months that feels like a whole 2 years to me...

there were the ups and downs... which have partially made me insane... (literally speaking....)

well.....for the first 5 minutes, for many, many days that i've been trying to type out a post... I am always stuck here. Lost at words.

The many, many days has gone and I realize it has been more than 60 days ago since the first time I tried to write something here which end up with nothing....and I just could not find myself transferring my thoughts to the keyboard....

So many words, so many occasions, so many memories, so many thoughts, so many sorrows, so many stories, so many happy moments...that I wanted to share...yet decide that I don't feel like it...i just didn't know where to start or wonder is it relevant anymore to share....

so forgive me for being selfish, for not being able to blog, for not being able to be the old self I was - cheerful, always positive, always looking forward to things. I realize a certain things that happen to me had changed me and it has somehow suck away my confidence in life.

I continue to pretend and act as if I've overcome all the obstacles. I act as if I am no longer in suffocation. Well, please just pretend along with me that I am ok. For I will feel better when my weakness is not being spotted.

Don't worry. I am ok. I just need time to rediscover myself. I've fall too deep (deeper than I thought it was), and climbing up needs lots of strength and time. So please bare with me and show me some support maybe - by pretending i am ok??? by not asking what happen??

Eileen will be back... promise...

ps: please forgive me for another emotional post.

Meet my son...

Welcome and please meet my son Peng Xin from Pingquan, China.

And today, he's turning 7!! Happy Birthday Boy!!

(gonna go shop for small gifts to send to him later - I am seriously not really a good mum)

Ok, to explain, he isn't exactly my biological son. He's the child I am sponsoring through World Vision. I applied to sponsor a girl, but World Vision paired me up with Peng Xin. Not sure is this an error on my application but then its no longer important as i believe it is just fate. He's an Arien (both my mum and bro are Ariens too) which is a compatible sign with Leo (me). So everything is GOOD! :D

Some might ask and question why on earth would I fork out RM50 a month? I barely have enough to spend for myself so shouldn't I just keep the money for my own rainy days? and how much can you help with the RM50 a month? Can't even feed him a week....But what other things can I do with the RM50? 4 cups of Starbucks? 2 days' meal and its all gone! So why don't I just use it to sponsor a child?

You see, the money that I am donating every month don't directly go to Peng Xin or his family. But instead, it is pooled together with other sponsors and these money will then be used to build infrastructure to help improve health, education and economy at Peng Xin's village on a long term plan. It is to help improve a community, not just one person's life.

I believe I myself can't change the world. But I know, I can change someone's life. And for that, I've decided to sponsor a child. At least Peng Xin know there's someone out there from another country who cares about him and hopefully this will give him the motivation to strive to study hard for his better future. I've always been bless with a good set of parents and education opportunities and now that I am earning my own money, I would like to be able to help and give back to the community.

So, if you feel what I've said make sense, like this post and go to www.worldvision.com.my and get yourself a sponsor child!

Good week ahead! I am now leaving the office to go grab my first dinner in 2 days!

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do" - Edward Everett Hale

Decides to stay in...

Horoscope says,

Randomly, I checked out my horoscope today. It says,

"The position of the heavenly bodies indicates that a face from the past could be a real catalyst. You need this to make you realize that you should get moving on a certain issue. Perhaps your relationship showed you something about yourself that you have not yet resolved. You see with clarity that it is time to take action, in order to be able to move on"

Sometimes just can't deny the fact that horoscope can be so damn accurate. I love my life at the moment. My job has kept me busy and that means keeping my brain and mind occupied with things. LOTS of things. But then as it says, there's still the past issues and actions have to be made in order to move on.

Won't deny the fact that the memories still linger, but who said it was easy when it comes to completely erasing emotional feelings (might be easy for some, but it ain't for me) - but let just say, I am now in a much better position than I was few weeks ago. Time will heal but deep down, I won't be able to forget and I DON'T want to forget - for at least I've tasted something sweet and bitter out of it.

I don't want to forget but I am ready to move on! So throw me with whatever challenges there are out there...I am ready, all geared up and ready to roar and fight like a lion - afterall I am a Leo! A Leo can be defeated & injured, but a Leo will stand back up once again - more ready than before for a new challenge!

Pray for Japan

So everyone heard of the latest earthquake that hit Japan... (if you have not, please stop reading my blog and go over to CNN.com)

and there's the 70% possibility that another quake might strike in the next 2 - 3 days...

and everyone's talking about 2012...the end of the world...

Life is indeed fragile - isn't it?

One day, we just go to bed on the usual serene and peaceful night and the next day, we find ourselves waking up by the trembles of the earth and swept away by the giant waves... leaving all our loving ones behind....

Have you told them how much you've love them and what they meant to you?

Have you apologize to the ones you've hurt before?

Have you repay all the invisible debts (gratitude) you've vowed to repay back?

those are the primary issues... what about the secondary ones?

Have you reach your goals in life, the career and the ambition you wanted?

then I ask myself again, is this secondary question important anymore?

can my goals and ambition bring me back to my love ones?

no they can't ... but at least if I've achieved one of my goals in life and if I were to leave this world behind, I will be glad - at least I've done something... it's like a sort of accomplishment..contentment...

So before my last day, this is my wish for now - I am praying now for everyone's safety, to all people who are affected by the terrible quake and I pray for Japan to recover, innocent lives to be sparred and may there be NO second quake.

I believe, the sun will rise and shine once again! Stay strong Japan! You are in my prayers

ps: Readers, please help pray for everyone's peace and safety! Please pray for Japan!

she's healing

it has been 6 months.

33days since ... the last conversation

So have she found the broken pisces and fix them back to where they belong?

Well. Maybe.......hope so... a little more time...perhaps?