Miss Me?

First and foremost, like I always do when I am "back" after my "disappearance" with no new updates:

I AM SORRY.

My life (since I last blog), like many others have been like on a roller coaster ride - there're the ups, the downs and the unexpected turns. Here's my story:

On life:

Earlier this year, if you remember my post on my new year resolution for this year (I know this is way too early to talk about new year resolution and that I should leave it till end of the year to do my evaluation and my personal "verdict" but well.... I am always special :P When I wanna do it, i do it. Nothing can stop me nor will time make any difference)...here's how well I've faired...so far:

Resolution 1: Love myself and my family more

Not too sure about if I am loving myself more. I've done many things to myself that I am not proud of (eg: relying on pills to put me to sleep, cry to sleep) but the same time, I've came to learn many things about myself this year and many decisions and things I did are all based on putting myself and m family above all others. I've pampered myself with many little things...so i guess I did love myself more? :D

and earlier first half of the year, there's a new addition member to my family. Please give a big smile and welcome my nephew JJ

Me carrying JJ when he's a month old.

Resolution 2: Sponsor a child

If you've been following my blog all this while (link), you know that I've fulfilled this resolution earlier of the year :D Here's a few snapshots of recent updates from my son in China....

Peng Xin's latest picture

He said his dream is to become a Police!

and he drew me 2 bunnies :D

And guess what, I've just signed up for one of UNICEF's thingy to help prevent/fight HIV/AIDS... (some sort of that...) a few hours ago. If God is blessing me, I would love to use His blessing by helping others in need :D BTW, Happy Thanksgiving!

Resolution 3: Join a marathon

Proud to say, I've completed 3 race this year - all within the given time (still far away from my own personal best I set 10 years ago). Don't judge yet! Ironwoman, I am not - just 10km race each.

Here's one of my finisher medal:

My Adidas KOTR 2011 Finisher Medal

Resolution 4: Go on a holiday trip

This year, I have the opportunity to reward myself with 3 trips Hatyai, Thailand, Singapore, and Medan, Indonesia.

All 3 trips with good friends and family. I feel blessed and had a great time!

Resolution 5: Do what I do best

Well, did not manage to get much paintball this year yet, done not many personal project, but definitely on a comeback on designing stuff. Have been doing some digital airbrushing and working on some personal art project. Will share when the time comes...stay tune!

Resolution 6: Be more forgiving towards others

I hope I've been more forgiving. Can't really judge myself on this. Nothing major had happen this year that needs me to be extremely forgiving....maybe just one thing (let's leave this to talk on anther time, another post and another day)

Resolution 7: Get myself a pet

Does Monster Pet on iPhone counts? LOL!

Resolution 8: Party Hard

Did not party hard, but I've had many great time and celebration with friends and family.

Resolution 9: Save some money

Unfortunately, this was a hard resolution :( Living in the capital city - away from home is not the ideal option for saving money. But I am still trying... fingers crossed with my new job (YES! got a new job. more details below...read on)

Resolution 10: Get a house

When I wrote this resolution earlier this year, I know this is the hardest among all. Well, I try to give it a shot and the time is just not right YET. So, next year perhaps?

On work

Well, started a new job earlier this week. I'm still on probation period, so if everything goes well, hopefully I'll be doing what I love doing for good :D

On personal matters

Hmm....well....it's complicated. A year had passed and things are still as complicated as ever. But for the past few days (I've been contemplating for quite a while to be honest), I've decided that it is time to end and move on.... I've had enough. I know I've said this many, many times, but this time I've decided to make it right. Mr Big or not....I have to be Ms AWESOME! Welcome new life! :D

Said I won't cry

heard this song through the radio while i was driving back earlier. The singer/writer (Kelly Poon from Singapore) said she wrote this song while she was going through a heartbreak (if I understand correctly....)

A nice song...a song that touches my heart...in a way :D

Love me then don't go...

call her useless, the piece broken is still broken. the piece missing is still missing.

tired of pretending to be happy & tough. tired of lying to herself & others.

pathetically, silently hoping and praying.....

Until this time, I am still the same,
The loneliness of the night easily makes people hurt,
I don't dare to think too much,
Because I am all by myself.

Facing the moonllight, it draws out the silhouette,
Walking by the boundless and endless street,
I didn't hear any news about you,
That's why I'm thinking of you

Love me then don't go,
If you say, you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again

Love me then don't go,
If you say, you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again

And at this night, i've forgotten the lyrics,
Loneliness of the night easily makes people hurt,
I didn't hear any news about you,
Because I'm all by myself,
Facing moonlight, it draws out the silhouette,
Walking by the boundless and endless street all alone,
I didn't hear any news of you,
That's why I am thinking of you,

Love me then don't go,
If you say you don't love me,
I don't want to hear you really say it,
As it will give me a bit warmth again.

(translation taken from other website)

still hoping if time could reverse itself....she'll do things differently - but unfortunately, in the reality world, whatever done has been done. The hands of the clock don't move backwards....therefore she continue to pray for strength to move on ... at least some strength...

hate to feel so weaken but yet she can't help it. the depth of her fall is deeper than she thought....

Not gone, just hiding...

Sorry I've been away for about more than 2 months that feels like a whole 2 years to me...

there were the ups and downs... which have partially made me insane... (literally speaking....)

well.....for the first 5 minutes, for many, many days that i've been trying to type out a post... I am always stuck here. Lost at words.

The many, many days has gone and I realize it has been more than 60 days ago since the first time I tried to write something here which end up with nothing....and I just could not find myself transferring my thoughts to the keyboard....

So many words, so many occasions, so many memories, so many thoughts, so many sorrows, so many stories, so many happy moments...that I wanted to share...yet decide that I don't feel like it...i just didn't know where to start or wonder is it relevant anymore to share....

so forgive me for being selfish, for not being able to blog, for not being able to be the old self I was - cheerful, always positive, always looking forward to things. I realize a certain things that happen to me had changed me and it has somehow suck away my confidence in life.

I continue to pretend and act as if I've overcome all the obstacles. I act as if I am no longer in suffocation. Well, please just pretend along with me that I am ok. For I will feel better when my weakness is not being spotted.

Don't worry. I am ok. I just need time to rediscover myself. I've fall too deep (deeper than I thought it was), and climbing up needs lots of strength and time. So please bare with me and show me some support maybe - by pretending i am ok??? by not asking what happen??

Eileen will be back... promise...

ps: please forgive me for another emotional post.

Meet my son...

Welcome and please meet my son Peng Xin from Pingquan, China.

And today, he's turning 7!! Happy Birthday Boy!!

(gonna go shop for small gifts to send to him later - I am seriously not really a good mum)

Ok, to explain, he isn't exactly my biological son. He's the child I am sponsoring through World Vision. I applied to sponsor a girl, but World Vision paired me up with Peng Xin. Not sure is this an error on my application but then its no longer important as i believe it is just fate. He's an Arien (both my mum and bro are Ariens too) which is a compatible sign with Leo (me). So everything is GOOD! :D

Some might ask and question why on earth would I fork out RM50 a month? I barely have enough to spend for myself so shouldn't I just keep the money for my own rainy days? and how much can you help with the RM50 a month? Can't even feed him a week....But what other things can I do with the RM50? 4 cups of Starbucks? 2 days' meal and its all gone! So why don't I just use it to sponsor a child?

You see, the money that I am donating every month don't directly go to Peng Xin or his family. But instead, it is pooled together with other sponsors and these money will then be used to build infrastructure to help improve health, education and economy at Peng Xin's village on a long term plan. It is to help improve a community, not just one person's life.

I believe I myself can't change the world. But I know, I can change someone's life. And for that, I've decided to sponsor a child. At least Peng Xin know there's someone out there from another country who cares about him and hopefully this will give him the motivation to strive to study hard for his better future. I've always been bless with a good set of parents and education opportunities and now that I am earning my own money, I would like to be able to help and give back to the community.

So, if you feel what I've said make sense, like this post and go to www.worldvision.com.my and get yourself a sponsor child!

Good week ahead! I am now leaving the office to go grab my first dinner in 2 days!

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do" - Edward Everett Hale

Decides to stay in...

Horoscope says,

Randomly, I checked out my horoscope today. It says,

"The position of the heavenly bodies indicates that a face from the past could be a real catalyst. You need this to make you realize that you should get moving on a certain issue. Perhaps your relationship showed you something about yourself that you have not yet resolved. You see with clarity that it is time to take action, in order to be able to move on"

Sometimes just can't deny the fact that horoscope can be so damn accurate. I love my life at the moment. My job has kept me busy and that means keeping my brain and mind occupied with things. LOTS of things. But then as it says, there's still the past issues and actions have to be made in order to move on.

Won't deny the fact that the memories still linger, but who said it was easy when it comes to completely erasing emotional feelings (might be easy for some, but it ain't for me) - but let just say, I am now in a much better position than I was few weeks ago. Time will heal but deep down, I won't be able to forget and I DON'T want to forget - for at least I've tasted something sweet and bitter out of it.

I don't want to forget but I am ready to move on! So throw me with whatever challenges there are out there...I am ready, all geared up and ready to roar and fight like a lion - afterall I am a Leo! A Leo can be defeated & injured, but a Leo will stand back up once again - more ready than before for a new challenge!

Pray for Japan

So everyone heard of the latest earthquake that hit Japan... (if you have not, please stop reading my blog and go over to CNN.com)

and there's the 70% possibility that another quake might strike in the next 2 - 3 days...

and everyone's talking about 2012...the end of the world...

Life is indeed fragile - isn't it?

One day, we just go to bed on the usual serene and peaceful night and the next day, we find ourselves waking up by the trembles of the earth and swept away by the giant waves... leaving all our loving ones behind....

Have you told them how much you've love them and what they meant to you?

Have you apologize to the ones you've hurt before?

Have you repay all the invisible debts (gratitude) you've vowed to repay back?

those are the primary issues... what about the secondary ones?

Have you reach your goals in life, the career and the ambition you wanted?

then I ask myself again, is this secondary question important anymore?

can my goals and ambition bring me back to my love ones?

no they can't ... but at least if I've achieved one of my goals in life and if I were to leave this world behind, I will be glad - at least I've done something... it's like a sort of accomplishment..contentment...

So before my last day, this is my wish for now - I am praying now for everyone's safety, to all people who are affected by the terrible quake and I pray for Japan to recover, innocent lives to be sparred and may there be NO second quake.

I believe, the sun will rise and shine once again! Stay strong Japan! You are in my prayers

ps: Readers, please help pray for everyone's peace and safety! Please pray for Japan!

she's healing

it has been 6 months.

33days since ... the last conversation

So have she found the broken pisces and fix them back to where they belong?

Well. Maybe.......hope so... a little more time...perhaps?

The Little Mermaid

like in the Secret Garden,

I'll be the little mermaid, watching her prince from a far and silently disappear when the time comes...

Reflection and Resolution

Reflection

Clearly in 2010, I did not blog as much as I should be compare to previous years.

But overall 2010 has been a very educational, inspiring and challenging year for me. I've learnt quite a lot, they were filled with ups and the downs and it was also the year that I am supporting myself with my hard earn money...

Here's a recap:

Jan 2010: I was quite stress over some issues (if you've read my blog, you'll know).

Feb 2010: started my final semester of my second degree. Met someone whom I've respected and I thought I could trust... but I guess I was wrong...

March 2010: started working on my final degree project

April 2010: Had a mock-up interview with a respectful industry guest (graphic students was jealous of the opportunity :P)

May 2010: Welcome sister-in-law to the family! (note: a new member is joining the family soon!! YAY i can't wait *excited*)

June 2010: Getting all nervous and starting to lose motivation as the final project presentation day drew closer and closer and when I was done with it, it was a HUGE relief! phew! I SURVIVED!

the opening scene of my final year project

July 2010: mark the closing of my life as a student! Finally graduated with a second degree!

August 2010: Started to look for job and by mid of August, I started a job at a production company - a place I never imagine myself at... I AM IN ENTERTAINMENT business man!

September 2010: moved to a new house, a new location, a new place and start to pay everything with my own hard earn money...(sucks)

October 2010: had the opportunity to travel to Kelantan & Johor, touring with the production crew for the first time! and I got myself emotionally injured again.... (one of the many reasons that kept me away from blogging....i was just too emo)

November 2010: worst month of the year - a healing month for me! (still an on-going phase. i did not know how i got myself into this mess, but i know...whatever happened, happens for a reason)

December 2010: spent my first christmas and new year eve here in KL! had one of the best new year eve ever, chilling and partying with a new group of friends. GReATZZ!

Resolutions

Okay I know I am late to post this up but well.... who cares. I am just one of a kind ain't i? So here's the list: -

1. Love myself and my family more

2. Sponsor a child - if i manage to get a better job with a higher salary

3. Join a marathon - at least 10km (that includes regular training, jogging and diet)

4. Go on a holiday trip (beach. sun. sea)

5. Do what I love to do best - (eg: eating, extreme/adventurous stuff (bungee jump is one), paintballing, sketching/drawing/designing stuff...)

6. Be more forgiving towards others

7. Get myself a pet (if possible)

8. Party hard

9. Save some money

10. Get a house (this is still too early and ambitious, but no harm putting them to my list right?) :P

So that's my top 10 resolutions! maybe i should add another one "Blog more often" ahahaha

I am on a comeback mission - are you still with me?

see you around!