Goodbye? Not.

Day 60: Just when I need her the most....

March 5th, 2014, I lost mum, my lifetime best friend, ears to my problem(s) and daily updates, a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of strength and a safety blanket that catches me whenever I fall and when i need the comfort and protection. She was everything to me. And now I feel lost and lonely. Nothing seems be the same again without her.

Memories of our moments together still fresh in my mind. I try to treasure each one of them, recalling her words, her actions and our time together whenever i can but those memories will only bring tears to my eyes now.

What's killing inside me is the guilt of never being enough for her. Never able to be the perfect daughter she always wanted me to be. The guilt of failing her last wish for me. And other guilts that are probably killing me slowly now.

"I am sorry mummy. I can't be who you envision me to be when you are still here. But i wish you will continue to watch over be from above."

Our last 111 days together just seems too short for a lifetime farewell but i am glad God gave me those days. Those days had bonded us together more than before. It made me realize the sacrifices she'd made her whole life and what she had done for the family. If it wasn't for those 111 days, I wouldn't have known the journey mummy had went through for all of us.

Day 77: I Realize...
She might not be here anymore, but her spirit and her way of life are still here with me, forever in my heart. I woke up today, knowing that my life journey with her did not end the day she passed away but instead they are still here with me. Her words and her wisdom, her way of life, her patience, her selfless spirit, her commitment and love for the family will forever be remembered. Memories of her are what I have now to help me move forward. She'd raised me with all the qualities of herself and I hope, I will continue to live the life she had taught me. Her "legacy". My life journey with mum did not end yet but instead it is just a new beginning of a new chapter and a new journey with her.  Mum is no longer here physically but her spirit and love for me still is (i am sure). Quote a good friend of mine, "Heaven is not too far". Definitely.

Just can't wait

105 days since my last race and still counting....

Don't feel good that I am "stuck" at where I am while friends are out and running the races.....

I just can't wait to get back into my running shoes, and to feel the adrenaline rush on race days.

Sigh. Hang it there Eileen. You will be back...

Goodbye 13, Hello 14.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - 
The Fault In Our Stars, John Green

Twenty thirteen for me was a year filled with many emotional ups and downs - not just the accomplishment of 2 full marathons but also one filled with many other life accomplishments that can't be measured by the distance or the calories burnt. Sometimes, life can be just so complicated and yet simple at the same time.

You see, 45 days before the 13 came to an end, I received news while at work that my mom was admitted to the hospital. Even though the oncologist assure us that she's healed after her final round of chemo and radiotheraphy few weeks ago, my instinct told me something is not right. So I booked my flight ticket back home right away. Upon arriving home, I received the news from my dad that mom's kidney is failing and her condition is not doing too good. My heart literally fell to the floor. I guess, that's the day when I can no longer be mummy's little girl - no more pampering, no more privileges of being the youngest in the family, no more ranting and complaining of my lousy life in the city living on my own, no more auto-laundry. In another words, I am to be stripped off the title as "Mom's Little Princess". I needed to grow up and I needed to change to be someone else. I have no other options. Period.

So change I tried - HARD. Very hard. The journey wasn't easy. I was literally thrown into a pool, and I need to learn how to swim and to keep my head above water, and I need to do it fast! I struggled (of cos). I cried and I screamed in silence and alone. I hated myself for being so useless and I just felt everything I did then (and even now) is not good enough for her. I love her too much to let her go, just yet. So I hung on, I wanted to believe that everyday when she's feeling much more energetic and better, she's recovering and that tomorrow she will be completely healed. Every time when the hopes are high, it was beaten down all over again. It's like playing the snake and ladder board game. You left 10 boxes away from starting grid and only to find out that your very next step that you are taking is the box with a snake's head and will bring you down back to number the starting grid. Yes. Life sucks.

I was living in fear everyday and still am.

And then I was down with dengue fever and was admitted to the hospital for a week. That's when I realize, the needle that was stuck at the back of my palm, the stinging pain when the needle went through my skin and poked into my veins everyday for drip and blood test is barely 1% of what my mom went through during her chemotheraphy sessions that lasted months. Imagine, getting yourself poke everyday, and jab every so often. Being a tough nut myself, i didn't enjoy a single bit of it and i only tasted it for 5 days...yet alone mom manage to endure and complete 3 full courses of chemo and now... She's my heroin for fighting this war but I want her to know, it's not her own battle. I am here for her and so is my dad whom took care of her so well and tend to her needs so patiently and diligently. It's like I finally saw the softer side of daddy - a caring and loving husband to my mom and not the every strict and angry dad that I grew up to hate at times when he had his mood swings and temper on.

Fourteen came.

I reflected and evaluated myself and what I had accomplished in 13 and how I had dealt with issues in life for the pass 28 years. Taking care of mom for the pass months had helped me grow and found the other side of myself which I wasn't sure existed 3 months ago.

I have learnt why I had always pushed people and potential relationships out of my life - that is because I am afraid to express my real feelings and to care and be committed in a relationship. I wasn't sure if I can handle being attached to another person and have someone invade my "space". I had fears and self-doubt that I can be better than any of their ex(es). I guess that's what came between me and Mr Big and McDreamy is my unwillingness to open up and express my true feelings to them.  (yes, i've never blogged about McDreamy before. This will be another story to tell in the future)

I have also learnt that life is not just about the amount of money in your bank account or the figures you earn every month. Life is too short to think money can buy us happiness. Life is too vulnerable to throw it away just like that. A quality life is how you live each day filled with the amazing moments either for yourself or with your love ones and loving them more each day.

Sometimes, certain things happen for a reason. Life is not a bed of roses. God indeed have His plan for all of us but what is His mighty plan, we have to unfold its layers through time. Therefore, I need to remember to find blessing in everything even through the darkest nights in life. I've learnt to accept, endure and grow to be stronger than before. For all the bad things that happen, I am sure there's a blessing in disguise hidden somewhere. Didn't they say, "every cloud has a silver lining"? I am sure I'll find the light at the end of tunnel when I am ready to open up my heart and my mind.

Lastly, I've learnt that true friends are the ones that stood by you through the thick and thin. They do not sway and they do not just "fly away". They allow you to lean on their shoulders whenever you need to cry, their ears whenever you need a listener and the time whenever you need company - even when they are thousand miles away. I am blessed to have many, many friends who care and actually listen to my crap whenever they have to! :D

All in all, the most important of all, I realize, if I were to love myself more, I'll learn to love others. If I had not reflected on myself, I would have not learnt all the above. Thus, here's a toast to self discovery and a good twenty fourteen.

Cheers Leen! Keep it up!

Running the Distance

Hello homo sapiens. 

Greetings.
I am still alive.

6 months away and I am of the below:

~ 6 months older.

Women by nature are sensitive towards numbers when it comes to age they say. True. No doubt. But let's face it. Its the truth. No? In a positive context, I am now 6 months more mature than my last post! 

~ 6 months of self discovery

6 months ago, 2 days after my last post, I completed my first half marathon! Yay! It's my longest thus far! An in another 70 days, I will be doing my first competitive FULL! (still can't believe what I've done! LOL)

For the past 10months, I've been running a lot more than I used to months before. From a random new friend's (whom i got to know last June) invitation to join his midweek running group, I've been running very consistently since then.

10 months - and it has been one great adventure thus far - one journey i wish to continue to travel till the days when i can't run nor walk anymore. It's something i wish i would still be doing at the age of 70. 

Why running? You ask. 

I used to run 10k when i was in high school then stop when i went to uni. Back then I run because I know I didn't stand a chance to join the track events in school. I just simple ain't fast enough for the 100m or the 200m. In school, if you are not fast, you are not athletic. I know I may not be fast, but I know I can endure the distance. So on my own account, I registered myself for my first 10k in 2000.

10 years later on a random day in 2011, I decided to pick it up again when I was going through a rough patch with Mr Big. It was the only thing that was keeping me sane. I ran then so i can feel the adrenaline rush. I ran then just to feel the real pain and aches on my muscle so I can't feel the invisible pain in my heart. That time, I ran, all just because i wanted so badly to run away from my darkest moments....

BUT for the last 6 months, I've discovered so much more to running than just running away from fear or running to hide my tears. Running has become part of me. Running is no longer a chore like it is to many. Running to me is not about completing the distance or to compete who finish faster. It's NOT about filling up the gap of the broken piece in me. It's so much more now.

Running to me is about:

1. Self discovery

Every new distance i complete, every run I've done, I discover more of myself and that I am so much more resistant than before. I could cross the finish line if i set myself to it. Set a target, laced up and RUN the distance. Before I know it, I am crossing the finish line. With this mentality, I am now more positive in all my actions and thinking. I am no longer reading horoscope to determine how I am going to let the course of life takes me, but I am now setting goals and working hard to "run" the distance to achieve them.

2. My ME time

Like enjoying a cup of good coffee over a good book, running is the best time I reflect on the past and present problems. When I am on the road running, anything and everything is like a giant slideshow in my head - family, friends, work, financial problems. Running won't solve all my problems. My financial problems will not magically disappear when I cross the finish line but at least, i feel i am at ease. Research claims, when you run, the feel good hormone, endorphins are release into your system and thus all stress will be "switch-off". 

3. Friendship

It's the camaraderie that forms with running friends - the random new people I've met at training, at races and at the park are now my friends and some become close friends. My social circle expands and running is no longer an alone thingy. Whenever I start running, I'll active my running app on my phone and it automatically send a wall post to my facebook, and friends cheer me on. Some friends think that it's annoying that i am sharing my run on my FB wall, but to some friends, they think my wall post is an encouragement for them to get out of bed on saturday or sunday mornings. 

4. For causes I support

So last November, I joined the Terry Fox Foundation Run. it's my first time running for a cause - a cause that is so dear to my heart. A month before the run, my mom had a recurrence and had to go through another round of chemo and running that short distance and pacing a good friend of mine who was doing her first 5k and furthest run in her life thus far, was filled with so many emotions beyond words. 

on 11.11.12, I ran for a reason. I ran for those who can't. I ran to show my mum, we can fight the battle together

When I found out later in the night that my message was featured on the gigantic board, I couldn't be more delighted - as I was hoping that whomever who have read the message said a little prayer for me and my family.  

my message got featured on the gigantic board

5. Having fun!

Last but not least, running is for fun! When I did my first half marathon in Oct, at 7k, I was cursing myself for signing up for the distance. At 17k, i just felt like giving up - but I hung on. At 20k, with just 200m to go to finish line, i was about to stop running, but with friends who stood nearby cheered me on. I was in so much pain when i cross the finish line and i was so exhausted then... but the joy of completion?? SKY ROCKET HIGH! the pain and the muscle soreness after the long run - i call it the "fun pain"!!! 

First half marathon: That's me in pain, crossing the finish line. YEEHAA!

Last 2 weeks, I did another half marathon but this time is with another best friend of mine! In celebration of our 19 years of friendship and in support of the fairer sex in running, we crossed the line together at 2:48! It's her first sub 3 for a halfie and her PB (personal best) so far! 

on our last 200m to finish line....

last 100m and we are jumping....

That's us floating in the air after crossing the finish line

 with the Marathon Woman - Kathrine Switzer. The first lady that ran the prestigious Boston Marathon and the lady who paved the way for woman to run the distance. 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - I took mine, have you?

The End Is Just the Beginning of Something New

Mr Big and I finally said our last goodbye. It is now OFFICIALLY over! Surprisingly, I am actually quite relief that this chapter has finally come to a GIANT FULL STOP.

You might be asking, didn't the "drama" ended few months ago? Yes. Sort of. It is more like "I ended it" - I closed the chapter on my side and moved on without even sorting things out properly with him (you know...the "break-up talk thingy"). But what's there more to say after what happen right? wasn't it clear when the other one got a new partner, the one left behind just have to "move out" and move on?

Anyway, I know Mr Big will be in town, but I did not expect any form of communication with him. After all, i've blocked him from my FB months ago, he should "get" the message - "I want him out of my life". But i guess Mr Big being Mr Big probably didn't realize I went missing from his facebook...or maybe he did but decide he wanted to try his luck and see what happens....

Having already moved on, knowing that he's not the right one for me, and didn't want any sort of complicated-guessing-game relationship to go on anymore longer and knowing that I deserve more than all the bulls, I ignored his messages at first, but after much thought, I decided to reply Mr Big's text once and for all, to cut all strings that're still invisibly attached. At first I thought we could still be friends even if the relationship don't work out but I think in order to heal and get out of this on-off-on-off-complicated relationship and to "protect" myself I needed the distance and a complete cut off.  The childish me told him to delete me off his contact list and not contact me again - and even if he don't want to do so, he just got to leave me alone for he owe me that much for the pain he had put me through last time around. Mr Big apologize for hurting me, for not being there for me, for not being able to be the guy that is able to give me what i want.

"What do i want?" I asked.

He said, "Family. Eventually you would want that."

Silent.....

Seriously, the thought of having a family together with Mr Big never actually cross my mind. But in a way, he is right. I do want a family out of a relationship in the future - but isn't that the whole point of relationship/marriage? To find the other half God prepared for you to spend the rest of your life with together? But of course we don't expect every relationship to turn to marriage. That's why people go on date(s) to get to know one another first before committing to a life-long relationship.

"It is easy to have a relationship. But it's hard to maintain an ever lasting relationship with me. For me to commit and settle down, I'll probably need someone that will compromise with my uncertainty of my future" he said.

I am uncertain about my own future, I do not know what i want then, so I don't expect him to either...but well, he pushed me away before letting me in to prove myself. But it's ok....enough is enough. It's over. Time's up. I am tired. There's no point in running a race of uncertainty...alone.

and he added that he's thousand miles away, and even if we are in a committed relationship, he will eventually cheat and lie and he didn't want to lie to me and rather tell me the truth. Fair enough. I appreciate the heads up and the honesty but no woman can accept a cheating man and i am of no difference. If a man can cheat on you, he don't really love you that much. So what's there more to say right? Ending the relationship and cutting off all ties seems like the best option on the table.

I hold no grudge against Mr Big. In a way, I am grateful for the journey that Mr Big had brought me through had indirectly turns to life lessons. Once bitten twice wise they say. A blessing in disguise perhaps? So I bid him goodbye and wish him a safe journey back and he did too.

Goodbye Mr Big.
19th October 2012.

PS: I know I've been missing for many months and there's so many updates that I've not share with you here. Hopefully I will find time. My next post is gonna be one positive post about my recent journey of self-discovery! Stay tune!

Live Life

Hello cyberfriends and cyberstalkers, how have you been?

I've been busy and hence this overdue post. Half of the year just came and went..looking back and reflecting on the 6 months, time indeed flies when one's busy.

How have I been?

On my take on my professional life as a career minded woman, I've never found so much passion in designing till this year. I am growing more everyday and learning new things makes me happy. Designing is a never ending journey and I am glad I've grown to love it more every single time. Imagine, just walking through a mall, just driving down the highway back, things I see - be it the billboard or the road signs, the colour combinations of the cars stuck in the jam, the winding roads, the pedestrians crossing the roads as my car stopped at the junction or the colours of the sky, sunrise or sunset have somehow in a way inspired me.

And a side note, something BIG is cooking. stay tune?!

As of my own personal life, slowly, gradually I am feeling better but nonetheless, I wouldn't deny that at times, I did fall back a little. I realize I am turning cold. It was only recently when a friend asked me a question and I realize how i am completely shutting myself off. Didn't they say, prevention is better than cure?

Signing off for now....

Cheers,
Miss E

I Wonder...

"There are many things to laugh about forcibly

Like a wind-up doll, like it's my job, I laugh...."

"Because I smile every day

Because I show my smiles,

They think I am happy..."

"But how can I smile, how can I smile....

I smile and I smile but tears flow again"

F. Scott Fitzgerald's

Way of Love

29 February

The day when all the pain of yesterday will be put behind.

The day I am starting a new.

The day I say goodbye to a 2 years friendship and a so-called relationship.

Goodbye Mr Big.

If God have His plans for you and me, till then will our life cross path again. If not, I guess this is the end....of you and me. I am letting you go for good.